Remember that nobody is a 'Mammy Poppins'
1. I shall never shout at my child:
Oh, you will, you know!
Actually, it’s more a case of shouting at yourself really, because if you are having to shout at all, chances are that you’ve reached that wonderful stage where the little minions have decided to ignore every single fricken word you say, until you are screaming it at the top of your lungs like a mad woman. And do you know what else? Even THEN, they’ll probably not listen to you.
2. I shall love my child unconditionally, always…
Yes, indeed.Of course you will. It’s a love like no other etc etc…
But that doesn’t mean that you have to LIKE them unconditionally or always. (Especially when they’re doing their best dementified-hell-fiend impression…)
3. I will NEVER have to deal with a tantrum in public.
Oh yes you will.
The 30 seconds of your Minion’s meltdown will feel like an HOUR and even though no one is looking at you, you will feel like the entire shop has stopped specifically to watch your little Demonic Darling throw his strop.
You will burn a new shade of crimson that you never even considered possible, and you will discover dexterity and wrestling skills that you didn’t know you possessed as you wrangle the wriggler out the door.
And yes, you will growl through gritted teeth and swear that you’ll NEVER leave the house again.
4. I will only feed them healthy, nutritious, organic home-cooked meals:
Yeeeeeeeah… For the most part, we all manage this one, most of the time…mostly.
But trust me, Freezer Fridays are a thing and Leftovers are a blessing in disguise.
I write my weekly meal planner on the fridge most Sundays. At the beginning of the week, it makes me feel like I’m the bestest Mammy ever. By Friday, it reminds me of just how hilarious I can be sometimes.
But hey! They get fed don’t they?
5. I will never be manipulated by a toddler:
Yes, yes you will.
And even when you are using the bribery and blackmail (that you swore you’d never resort to), you’re still being manipulated by the minion. And this is not reserved for toddlers.
Signs of parental manipulation can appear as early as Day 3 of your baby’s life, when they learn that if they make a certain noise, you’ll react. And it never ends. Our kids manipulate us forever… My Daddy loves me most you know.
6. I will bath them every night:
Ok, some parents DO manage this one.
If you are a Daily bathermum, I salute you and am in awe of your patience and dedication. I NEVER got into this habit. There are 3 reasons that mine get bathed.
A) It’s the weekend
B) They’re so rotten that I have no choice but to wash them if I want to keep up the facade that I have my shit together.
C) In the event of a Poonami or a Pukenado…aka when the babywipes just won’t cut it.
7. I will never swear in front of my children:
Yeah, good luck with that one.
Try not to swear AT your children. That should be reserved for special occasions, but swear in front of them, you shall. And do you know when you’ll realise it? When they repeat what you’ve said at full volume in front of the WRONG person, you know, like the local priest or the PHN, or the School Principal, or…a Sanctimammy. And sometimes, as mortified as you are, you’ll be slightly proud that they have used the expletive in the correct context.
8. No other child is as special as mine:
This one is true. My children are the most special in the world…TO ME.
9. Being a parent can’t be that hard. Everyone does it:
Yes, everyone does it. And most of those everyones at SOME point wonder WHY they did!
10. I will never turn into THAT Mammy:
Oh my Darling.
Yes. Yes you will. Every one of us has an inbuilt ability to be THAT Mammy. You’ll surprise yourself.
And if you STILL think that you shall indeed be Mammy-of-the-poppins, call me when you eventually buckle to the fact; may it be grilling fishfingers while swearing under your breath, or when you plot the violent demise of Topsy & Tim’s Mum while wiping your sofa with babywipes, or wanting to hide in the toilet for just TWO MINUTES or watching the sane feckin rerun of Peppa Fecking Pig and finding yourself agreeing with Mummy Rabbit… whatever causes you to realise that you are indeed “that Mammy”, drop me a message and I’ll remind you that yes, it is OK and yes, we’ve all been there. I’m sure you could add your own Ladybelles. What did YOU say you’d “never do”?