Moville author Sharon Thompson this week shares a hilarious look at how mobile phones appear to have minds of their own.
And sometimes, they can be spiteful little things.
Our favourite devices relish swims in the toilet, getting a quick rinse in the washing machine, and putting themselves on silent mode when playing hide and seek.
So put your feet up, grab a coffee, and if you’re reading this on your phone – beware, it will know you’re on to it!
Let’s talk about mobile phones
Why do they gravitate towards water?
The loo is one place that they all seem to like. Whether it’s that they leap with glee from your hand or slip discreetly from your back trouser pocket, they love taking a dip in the merky lavs of life. Even if they’ve barely touched the water, they stop working. The friggers! Lying to the phone insurance place doesn’t work (apparently). The phone tells them that its demise was lavatory bungie jumping without the rope.
Washing machines – now how do mobiles manage to end up in there too? Swimming and swirling with the hottest cycle you’ve ever used! It’s as if they wait until you’re washing the dogs’ beds and know there’ll be no rescue for hours on the hottest cycle. In despair you watch it clink off the glass and know you’re screwed. It’s cruel it is. Mobiles can be nasty creatures!
Now some might say that I’m exaggerating and that giving them super-human powers is just plain silly.
But… I’m telling you now, they know when you’re doing and saying things. They especially know when you give out about them! (My phone is now in the other room and I won’t read this out loud.)
• As soon as you mention someone, that person will call you! ‘Mary, I was just talking about ya. All good I promise.’
• If you want to buy something and google it – you see nothing else for days.
• Your mobile knows when you’re awake in the morning. If you move at all, it sends you all your notifications. It is blooming scary, is it not?
• They freeze and over-heat, to stop you doing something stupid. ‘No, you do not need another kindle book,’ it says and shuts itself down.
• They fray their chargers and make you forget them in hotels.
• On silent mode they live in the darkest, furthest corner of a handbag, despite you wanting them in the far too small assigned pocket.
• They understand that their life-span is limited, but they inspire deep emotions before they ‘go’. Their screen will crack and break when you’re complaining that you need more memory space. They hear you and make life awkward. The guilt oozes from their cracked screen and makes you spend far too much money on an upgrade. It is punishment for being disloyal and not letting them near a loo.
Be aware too that a mobile phone never dies in the human sense. Like re-incarnation, their life-cycle goes on. On the transfer of information to the new phone, all is revealed about you and your life. The phone’s soul just moves and also improves its capacity, to manipulate us all.
I’m off now though, to say how loved my mobile is and how it makes my life complete. This is totally true. But still, let’s just hope that my laptop doesn’t talk to it in the meantime.
Sharon is the co-founder of #WritersWise a trending, writers’ tweet-chat (www.writerswise1.wordpress.com).
Check back next Sunday for another short story from Sharon. If you are a local writer of stories or poetry, email firstname.lastname@example.org to inquire about featuring.