Columnist Maria Rushe reveals the content of the inner monologue of a thoroughly modern mammy on Mother's Day
It’s Mother’s Day.
You know the day when you got to lie on in your bed, where you slept soundly until you were awoken by your already bathed, dressed and fed minions, bouncing into the bedroom carrying flowers and handmade cards and all sorts of goodies, followed by your Him or whoever, carrying a tray of freshly squeezed juice, freshly ground coffee and oven baked bready goodies and declaring all housework to be done already?
If you live in Hallmark World or in a Marks-of-the-Spensive advert…
Reality might be a bit different.
Granted you might get a lie in if you’re lucky, but in my world a lie-in doesn’t always involve extra sleep.
It usually involves rolling over in the bed, listening to the rows and ominous screams coming from up the hall and my brain clicking into overdrive. It’s like a little voice says ‘Ooooooh. Mamma is alone. Let’s remind her of all of the EVERYTHING.’
Here’s a snippet of my typical inner monologue…
“Aaaaaaw I love my bed. Cozy bed. I LOVE my wee bed… sigh…Actually these sheets need washed. When did I last wash them? Her bed needs changed too. What’s she screaming at now? God can he not just choose his battles. Now she’s crying. Shit. I wonder did she hurt herself? Stop it Mammy. He’s well able to deal with them. They are his children. Isn’t that what you’re always saying?
“What’s in the fridge for them? Hope he uses the eggs on the top shelf and not the new ones. How the fuck am I going to use 48 eggs this week? Silly mum. Must start writing shopping lists. Also need mayonnaise. And hairspray. Wonder if I could squeeze in a trim. My hair is a disaster. Must ring Ciara. Wonder did she book her holiday. I’d like a holiday. God Portugal was fun. Would love to do that again. I wonder if I just go into the travel agent and get a few books, would he agree? Need to get passports sorted…where the hell are they? Must get nappies. Oh and I need to lift the quilt from drycleaners.
“Christ must tax the car. When is that up? What month is it? Shite, I’ll bet it’s late already. Must check emails. Need to email J at work too. She’ll kill me. Forgot about that. Ah she’ll survive. Will pretend I sent it ages ago. Must correct those essays too. Need to clean out Mini-Me’s school bag too. And her pencil case is empty again. They’re probably all at the bottom of that bag… did I lift her lunchbox out on Friday? Hope so. Yeah I did, didn’t I? Must get ham for lunches. Stop thinking about lunches.
“Jesus wept why is she shouting now? I wonder if he remembered to let the dog out for a pee. Now I need a pee. Great. I was just getting comfy. Feck it it sounds like they’re battering each other. I must remember to tell him Princess has started hitting and pulling hair… right I may just get up. I’m not going back to sleep now. It seems sunny. Maybe I could get these sheets out on the line?…
Etc. Etc. Etc. And that’s about 46 seconds of my head.
And so I’ll get up, and take myself to the kitchen, where the kids will still be in their pjs, the Him will be snoozing on the sofa and the sink will be full of dishes.
It won’t be Hallmark, but it’ll be perfect. My perfect.
And you never know, there might be a bottle of something bubbly from Marks-of-the-spensive at least!
In fairness, I’m sure as I write this that I will indeed get a spoiling tomorrow (and that has nothing to do with the fact that I marched him into a certain store last week and saved him the trouble of having to wonder what to buy me!) But anything other than that, will be a bonus!
If I get a lie in, I’ll be a happy bunny. No, my inner monologue won’t stop, but hey! At least I’ll have had a chance to think about what needs done in peace!
And I hope that you all have a wonderful Mother’s Day and that your inner monologues are full of only happy and normal Mammy musings.
Have a good one Thoroughly Modern Mammas.